sageata zilei

Un desen alb-negru, il poti colora. Unui desen colorat, ii poti intari contururile. Un desen cu contururi intarite, il poti inrama. Un desen inramat, poate fi agatat in perete. Un desen de pe perete, poate fi considerat tablou. Un tablou este o opera de arta.

si inca una.

Dupa lectia despre linia orizontului, in continuarea discutiilor pe marginea subiectului, aseara Vera m-a intrebat CUM A APARUT DOAMNE-DOAMNE PE LUME, prin nastere sau cum?
Eu zic “pai… EL a creat lumea, El exista de la sine, la fel ca spatiul si timpul… A fi creat este ceva ce se refera la “creatie”, nu la “creator”.

Dar nu a fost satisfacuta. Inteleg, zice, dar totusi EL cum a aparut prima data in lumea asta, adica in viata LUI? Cum a inceput sa existe? 

Sunt intrebari la care am nevoie de putin ajutor pentru a raspunde.

Veronica zice:
„Mami, ai putea sa scrii pe blog si roaga-i pe toti preotii si calugarii din lume sa ne raspunda”. Eu astept raspunsuri de la oricine este dispus sa isi spuna parerea. Va multumim.

Veronica between 5 & 6 years old

Am gasit in documentele mele vechi doua articole despre Vera, redactate pentru un fost blog (pe care il scriam in engleza). Unul dintre ele este dinainte de a afla diagnosticul „sindrom Asperger” (cand inca incercam si schimbam gradinite si oameni); cel de-al doilea e scris exact dupa prima evaluare. In orice caz, ambele sunt datate inca de pe vremea cand Vera avea intre 5 si 6 ani. Personalitatea ei mi-a fost limpede dintodeauna, multumesc lui Dumnezeu ca am putut s-o cunosc si s-o inteleg asa cum am facut-o. Si imi dau seama ca aceste caracteristici pe care le-am surprins si descris acum mai bine de 3 ani, sunt in continuare parte fundamentala a felului ei de-a fi.

Am sa dau copy/paste celor doua articole pentru a le pastra aici, la un loc cu toate lucrurile scrise despre evolutia si dezvoltarea Veronicai, pentru a-mi de folos cand toate acestea se vor aduna firesc in cartea identitatii ei fara margini. Scriu asadar intr-un demers de organizare a informatiei insa o fac cu incantarea regasirii unor pagini vechi dar atat de vii pentru mine.

Oil in water

From time to time, regularly and constantly, Vera’s teacher tells me that my little girl is not quite „normal”. What do we do with her?? – she said, worried. She has kind of… too much imagination, which is not so good for her existence in community. Her head is always in the clouds and she shows many difficulties in terms of involvement in reality. Instead of bringing the characters in her world to play with them, she fully goes in the world of these characters, very quickly becoming one of them. My Vera…

She invents stories, screenplays, costumes, dialogues, anagrams, crosswords. She wants to put in stage and to transform in theatre any poetry, any story. She has fun in games of intelligence. Her relaxation is in having ideas for new games, drawing maps for decrypting the roads of her characters, in tangled mazes, in solving the riddles. Her joy is to determine similarities & differences between things, between events and images, between words of several languages, between stories or situations.

Her thinking is sharp with the precision of a Swiss watch; instead she’s not actually relates with her colleagues, but only to the extent that „she should” and not because she needs them in any way. She is good with people but somehow indifferent. She forgives them if they hurts or punish her but she is not emotionally dependent on them. She has no preferences among her colleagues – all of them represent a neutral collective character. A good and desirable one.

The slow rhythm in kindergarten activities is boring. Her memory & her capacity to integrate new information into old patterns are above of an adult average. Many times she seems to be from another planet. Sometimes she falls on the deep thoughts and her eyes look unfathomable depths.

She does everything „right”. You have to say hello, you have to say please & thank you, you should do what other people decide sometimes, you should brush your teeth; you must wear the hat when it’s cold, ok. She does not preclude this and doesn’t contradict no one and her reactions are never, never violent. She is not stubborn, not spoiled, she is not concerned with wealth of clothes to wear, she does not like expensive toys (she invents them), she’s not greedy, she don’t eat more or less than she should. She doesn’t lead any war with anyone. But she has her own rhytm, her own way of saying what she wants, without raising the voice, even gently – „However, I would not want to do this now. Maybe later”. And her decisions are each time legitimate, logical, of common sense.

She says her family consists of mother, father and God. Only in our arms she lingers lovingly, otherwise, everything seems to be an algorithm of life, passed through the sieve of her hyper-developed reason.

She has a smile that transcends humanity, which reaches infinity. A smile that goes beyond the solar system. If I ask her why smiles, she replys: „Because I’m happy”.
Most times her drawings has a divine core; very often her work is full of subtle messages and contains „celestial” elements such as light, sun, churches, flowers, crosses on which Jesus stands, icons.

It upsets her if you say about someone that he is ugly or stupid, then she quickly reacts: No! Not really, he is just less good, you must forgive him.

She is the only one in her class who remains totally indifferent to the „rewards”! All the others are motivated by competition and compete for larger and more beautiful stickers that they’ll stick to their shirts when the activities are done. Vera simply takes motivation in learning. It is her favorite game & best reward. She never gets tired to memorize, to understand, to make connections between information, to play with them.

A strong personality which dominates others through a kindness that it’s hard to grasp in words. She never wants exaggerated or absurd things, quite the opposite. She is modest and wise. A little genius shaken by a reality which sometimes ruins the order of her endless inner universe. In her small society in school, with authorities who disciplines & disrupt her own pace, she destabilizes and cry. The teacher tells me, powerless:

I really don’t understand her complaining. She doesn’t cry of normal reasons, of which the other kids cry. I don’t understand, she’s different.”

Many times I wondered, should I „manipulate” and constrain this strange nature of my girl? Should I fight for normality and for her best integration into the world? Should I do things that these people who are overwhelmed by the „exceptions” say? Should I help Vera not to be an exception, in order not to suffer in the future between people?

Or is my duty to preserve with holiness this divine gift, simply grow this special child, loving her just as she is? Should I rather understand and support her in her „freak” nature?

But this is an old dilemma. In the meantime, I have revealed some answers…

Identity: Asperger’s Syndrome

April 12, 2011 – an emotional and memorable spring afternoon, in every way possible. Trees full of pink and white flowers, stunning scent of lime on the streets and a road along which we met and counted six churches.

We entered the old building of Association of Applied Intervention in Autism, where we met Antonela Samson, a psychologist who evaluated, analyzed, understood and diagnosed Vera. After several hours of discussions, all my past perplexities, all that questions about the „freak” Veronica, all my anxieties about the “downs” of her social behavior and the great heights of her intelligence & creativity – all these, suddenly got a name: Aspergers Syndrome.

I will not describe this syndrome yet, those who are interested will find it on Google, I’m sure. Only that much: it is a different way of perceiving the world, life, people, relationships. „The-men-of-genius’s syndrome” with all the good and all the bad of it (Einstein, Mozart, Pythagoras are only a few who had this syndrome). A different kind of existence, very different from normal – as “normal” is perceived by the crowd.

It is a high malfunction of social networking. It has a lot of features that I will certainly debate in future posts. Plus and minus, plus and minus, the eternal balance, the eternal story.

I feel that I’m a different person than until yesterday. The woman who always drifted and always wondered (with sadness & anguish) why this & why that… the woman who looked pathologically too much in the past and inside herself, the woman who wanted to be free and fly like a bird… That woman does no longer exist. She disappeared in a second.

The whole range of personal laments and complaints evaporated from my feelings, like cigarette smoke. I am no longer allowed to say I can not do this or I’m afraid; I’m not allowed to have doubts. I can do anything is necessary to do!

Every day, every second of my life I will teach Vera how to accept and live happily with this syndrome, to cooperate with this „label” and I will permanently fix it as much as possible! Now I learn what it means the happiness of wearing a heavy but redemptive cross. Now I live with the feeling that I clean myself of all my guilt but also that I’m rewarded more than I deserve and more than I can handle. Because there are hours in row when I can hardly breathe, for reasons difficult to explain. I live with an emotion that is choking me because I feel and I know I must deserve this liberating pain of soul, this paradox of a drama that makes me strangely happy. My child is „different”.

A child who will never tell a lie (literally) and will not recognize the lies of others (a real angel); a child who will not have many friends and most likely she will be viewed as an alien; a child who will not go to the shopping mall with girls but a child who will choose a domain and will change the orbit of the Earth with her talent. She will change the world someday.

I no longer want anything else but to build myself in this responsibility, in the monastery of this identity. But beyond the metaphor, I really have so many things to do with and for Vera. For now, everything is so new… I can not yet put in order my ideas and my projects. But as time will pass and I will learn more and more information about the special nature of my child, I will think of other approaches. I want to make a site dedicated to this syndrome, to create a community for those like us … and maybe even put up a foundation, why not? … I don’t know yet.

Moment by moment I’ll teach Vera the language and the rules of socialization, I will do therapy with her but in the same time I’ll teach her how to be herself with no fear because she is a chosen child and because there are not many like her in this world.

I will sing, dance and live with Tom and Vera this bitter-sweet music of such a special destiny. We’ll be strong together, our family.

We’ll find a way in this world.

sageata zilei

In trecut, poate ai avut pericole. In prezent, stii mai multe. In viitor, ce bine te vei descurca! Asta inseamna sa cresti. Cu cat esti mai mare si inveti mai mult, cu atat mai multe lucruri vei sti in viata ta.

adevarul sta dincolo de aparente

Doamna invatatoare i-a anuntat pe copii ca dupa Pasti va face unele schimbari, urmand ca unii dintre ei (printre care si Vera) sa aiba alti colegi de banca. Anul trecut, acest lucru m-ar fi speriat de moarte, la gandul ca Vera ar trebui sa-si modifice algoritmii ei rigizi de functionare sociala ceea ce ar fi adus, fara indoiala, neliniste si chiar revolutie interioara, eforturi mari de readaptare, intrebari, raspunsuri, desene, sedinte lungi de terapie si explicatii mult, mult peste medie. Anul acesta, schimbarea imi apare ca fireasca si necesara, ca expresie a unei evolutii incontestabile.

Dar nu asta vroiam sa povestesc de fapt. Pe fondul primirii acestei informatii, ceva m-a surprins la Vera si am plecat de la scoala plutind pe aripi de lumina. Extrema ei putere de a intelege, intelepciunea ei mereu uimitoare.

Am gasit-o intr-o stare de buna dispozitie si calm, colorandu-si tacticoasa niste planse, pentru ca… ramasese in urma (ca de obicei). Nu parea deloc deranjata nici macar de insistentele colegei care ii tot repeta cumva nemultumita si autoritara (cum fac copiii uneori intre ei) “Vera, strange astea de pe banca acum! S-a terminat ora de arta de mult! Ia uite, nu mai e  loc pe banca de ele…”.

Vera a continuat fara resentiment si fara incrancenare. “Vreau sa termin ce am inceput” a zis. Apoi a ridicat privirea si cand m-a vazut, a inceput sa-mi povesteasca noutatea.
– Mami, sa vezi. Doamna a zis ca dupa Pasti o sa faca niste modificari in banci si eu n-o sa mai fiu colega cu Bianca. Ma muta si pe mine.
– Serios? Ma gandeam ca urmeaza o drama, macar una mica. Dar Vera a continuat fara urma de crispare:
– Da. Si cand a auzit, Bianca a zis: “Abia astept sa ma mut din banca de langa tine, ca tu niciodata nu faci ce spun eu”.
– Asa a zis?! m-am mirat eu. Precis a fost o reactie mai impulsiva, ca ea tine la tine foarte mult, sunt convinsa de asta – m-am pregatit eu sa detensionez o criza de plans. Vera insa m-a luat de gat si mi-a zis la ureche, cu un aer conspirativ si intelegator:

– Mami, sa-ti spun ceva. Eu cred ca pentru Bianca felul meu de-a fi este cam greu de suportat si ea nu vrea sa-mi spuna asta ca sa nu ma jigneasca si sa nu-mi raneasca sufletul. 

Si-atat. Apoi am plecat amandoua, zambind impacate cu schimbarile, cu evenimentele, cu oamenii, cu viata, cu tot.
Cati dintre noi putem vedea binele acolo unde el nu este deloc evident? Acolo unde el se ascunde in spatele reactiilor impulsive si omenesti, de moment?

Eu insami as fi avut tendinta de a gandi “bine atunci, daca nu-ti face placere sa stai cu mine, pa!” dar Vera imi arata ca nu aparentele sunt cele care vorbesc despre inima omului. Ea merge dincolo de vorbe, la esenta. Ea intelege si iarta. Ea stie sa iubeasca oamenii chiar si cand acestia n-o inteleg sau o resping. Ea vede oamenii mai buni decat sunt si prin aceasta, prin credinta imaculata a Verei, ei insisi se ridica spre bunatate, poate chiar fara sa-si dea seama.